“So what do you want to do?”

I do my best to hold in a sigh. I’d figured we’d eventually get to that question, but had hoped that we’d somehow sidestep the topic. I stared up the ceiling with my hands clasped over my chest, uninterested in meeting my brother’s gaze. I could feel its intensity though, as he looked down on me from his swivel chair.

“Kid, did you hear me?” He asked.

“Yeah.” is all I manage, but he’d obviously want more than just that.

“Look I’m not saying you have to like to dedicate your life to anything right now, but could you at least start thinking about it?”

He doesn’t know it, but I’m always thinking about it. It’s odd because you’d think that I’d actually have an idea with how much I think about it, but it doesn’t feel that simple. It’s difficult because there are things I love, whether it be cooking or reading, and I know that there are careers that I can chase that’ll allow me to do those things, but what if that ruins my love of those things? What if I’m not able to keep up with those in my field? Will I really still enjoy them if I make them what I do for a living? But I don’t want to do something I hate either. I don’t say any of that to him though.

We could hear the harsh pitter patter of rain hitting the window of his room. I looked out, finding some comfort in the fact that the weather seemed to feel as jumbled as I do. 

“What are you thinking about?” He sat down next to me, legs crossed.

“How easy medieval people had it.”

He laughed.

I sat up so I could better explain myself. “I mean think about it! Like you know with the apprenticeships and being able to have someone to guide you or whatever for however many years. That’s literally so much less stressful don’t you think?”

“They still have apprenticeships.” 

“Yeah but it’s not the same. I don’t know…”

“So you want guidance?” He at last said, smoothing out his shirt.

“I guess so, I just…I don’t know where to start exactly.”

It felt a bit good to say it. Just thinking about the future can feel so heavy so finally admitting that felt like I’d at last pushed off the weight that had made itself home on my mind. I smiled to myself at the image of my brain sighing in relief.

He got up to head to the door, seemingly content with where we’d landed. “Alright, I’ll help you look into it, but you’ve gotta do some heavy lifting too. Do your research and settle on something soon, ok? Doesn’t have to be set in stone but try.”

“I will.”